It’s that time of month, ladies. I know, I know. That may be a bit of an overshare. But I’m just not handling it well. It’s yet another month where this girl still isn’t pregnant. I had him home for three weeks and still nothing. As much as we both want to start our family, Zack and I both agree that right now wouldn’t be the best timing considering he’s on the other side of the world, but a girl can still hope for it right? I can still feel disappointed by a negative pregnancy test or my monthly visitor arriving. It’s bittersweet…but mostly bitter.
Right before Zack reenlisted, we decided we wanted to start trying for a baby. Well, not necessarily try, but either way, we just didn’t want to be preventing one. We wanted it to happen whenever it was supposed to happen. I know it’ll happen at some point, but ideally, we were hoping to start our family this year. I had it all planned out. Silly me for thinking I could actually try planning something as a military spouse. We now have the best form of birth control there is: the U.S. Marine Corps. Now my husband is on the other side of the world and I’m sitting here in Maine pretty much living in limbo.
I use this term a lot to describe my current situation. It’s just that: limbo. While everyone else is out there enjoying their lives, my life feels like it’s at a standstill. I’m on pause while everyone else around me is on play. He’s gone just long enough for me to not be able to comfortably live with family, but at the same time, he’s not gone long enough for me to enter into a 12 month lease on an apartment. 90% of our belongings are in storage until we move again this summer. I can’t even unpack and get comfortable. I’m now nearing the end of my bachelor’s degree and am desperately wanting to start my career, but I’m in a place where there are zero career opportunities for me (and I refuse to continue adding pointless jobs to my resume that have nothing to do with the career path I want to go down). So unfortunately, there’s not much I can do to add to my resume right now either. We can’t purchase our home and get settled into it or start our family or anything that we want to do for our marriage and for our life. Life has been paused.
It’s hard to skim through my Facebook newsfeed or even through some of my favorite blogs and see everyone’s toddlers or their ultrasounds and baby bump photos, expressing how happy and excited they are to be expanding their family. Of course, I’m so incredibly happy for my friends and favorite bloggers with children and I love keeping up with their lives, but I can’t help wanting that to be us. It’s so incredibly frustrating. One of the many reasons why I don’t want to be a military spouse anymore. My life currently consists of just waiting for the military to tell us where we’re going next and waiting for him to come home so that we can push play and continue on.
I almost feel like this is a waste of a year. Of course I’m finishing my education, starting grad school, getting back in shape and building my blog and business and all those wonderful things, but I feel like it’s a completely separate life from Zack’s. We don’t currently live the same life. We have separate homes and he has separate friends and separate schedules. Everything is separate. And that’s upsetting. I don’t mean to sound negative or stubborn, but I refuse to build a life without him. If I wanted a life without him, then what’s the point of getting married?
I’m ready to not be living in a constant state of confusion anymore. A life where everything is at a standstill and no progress can be made. I want to have a life with him that’s always on play and never on pause. At this rate, July cannot come soon enough.
Have any of you ever felt this way? I’d love to know I’m not the only one!