It is 6 o’clock in the morning and I’m just hours away from yet another airport goodbye. Zack has been home for three weeks visiting for the holidays and it went by way too fast. Now we’re making the drive to Boston so he can catch his flight back to Japan. It’s yet another day of tears. Another 7 months away from him. More missed birthdays and more missed holidays. More sleepless nights alone. The more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t want to be a military spouse. I hate when people go on about how “I knew what I was getting myself into” because no. I didn’t. I had no clue what I was getting no myself into when I married Zack. I just knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to be his wife, but I don’t want to be a military spouse.
I don’t ever want to be good at 4am goodbyes at the airport. I don’t want to be good at any type of goodbye.
I don’t want to sleep by myself every night.
I don’t want to go about my every day life having to answer everyone’s questions about where he is and their comments on how hard it must be.
I don’t want to have to cancel plans and big family events simply because the military won’t let him come with me.
I don’t want to have to explain to our children why he’s never home or why he’s missing yet another holiday or birthday or sporting event.
I never want to know what it feels like to be a single parent.
I don’t want to have 7,000 miles of distance in my marriage.
I don’t want to feel so unimportant and I definitely don’t want to come in second to his job.
I don’t want to pack up our entire life and move every few years.
I need stability.
I want a career. Not a job. A career. With a good salary.
I want to be able to live with my own husband and come home to him at the end of every day. I want to actually feel like I have a life with him again.
I want him to be present for all of life’s amazing events: holidays, birthdays, graduations, the births of our children. I want him here for every moment of it.
I want to purchase a home and settle in long term. I want our children to grow up in the same place and have lifelong friends.
I want to be able to take a vacation whenever we want without having to ask permission or risk having our plans changed.
I want to actually have control and be able to create our own life together without someone else’s input.
I used to think it was fun being a military spouse. The uniforms, the military balls, the ability to see new places and meet new people. I loved it at first. I never felt that being a military wife was a sacrifice in any way. But now here I am two years later and already I’ve just about had it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful for everything the military does for us and provides us with. But this isn’t the life I imagined myself having. This isn’t the life that I want for us. It’s not the life I want for our family. I don’t want to be a military spouse.